Dealing with fear

I am a thinker, a planner, a preparer. Whether it's for tomorrow or something far off in the future, I'm constantly thinking, planning, and preparing. So naturally, I have already began preparing for the birth of our next baby. This labor and birth will be quite different from the last two. See my Birth post for more info on my previous "birth" experiences.


This time I will be educated and in control. I am planning a homebirth with a midwife and a doula. I have really come to understand the phrase "ignorance is bliss" because with the birth of Jude I was ignorant about hospital births and I truly had no fear. This time, mostly because I am having a HVBA2C (home vaginal birth after 2 cesareans) I have to be extremely educated and aware of the few but serious risks and symptoms of complications. So in all my research and preparedness I have found myself dealing with fear this time around. I know all the statistics for uterine rupture and cord prolapse and though the chances are very, very small that either of these will happen it's difficult to carry the thought around your head all the time. 


It's hard to be in control and to hold all of the responsibility of your own well being and the safety of your baby in your own hands. It was so easy before when I put all of my trust into my doctor and the hospital. I think Americans are trained to trust the authorities whether it's our health care providers, our teachers, or the government. They are looking out for ME right? They would never do anything to harm ME right? They know what is best for ME right? Wrong, wrong, wrong!!! They really just want you to shut up, do what they say without asking questions, and just follow along. I am always reminded of our cows when I think about people. When it's milking time most of the cows walk in a single file line up to the barn without any hesitation but you always have the one or two who decide to go their own way. I am one of those cows. I am done following the herd. 


So anyway, back to birth and fear. I do not fear the pain of labor, I welcome it actually. I do not fear that I am making the wrong decision to HVBA2C, I know based on my education that I am making the right choice and I am at peace with the fact that there are risks just as there would be in a hospital. I fear the things that are beyond my control. I fear that things will not go as planned. I have come to a point where I know that I must change my focus from the signs, symptoms, and treatment of certain complications and start focusing on achieving a positive natural birth. I trust nature, I trust my body, and I trust my baby so now the time has come for me to put this fear out of my head. 


I found this tonight while reading positive birth affirmations:

I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
- Frank Herbert’s Litany Against Fear


I will now begin my peaceful journey towards a beautiful natural birth :)